


Am I Allowed To Look At Her Like That? - Isabelle

by clizzyx (Tori_Scribbles)



Series: No Matter What [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Domestic Malec, F/F, Family Fluff, Finishes Post 02x10, Isabelle Lightwood-centric, Magnus Bane Is The Sexuality Guru, Pansexual Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Magnus Bane, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Starts Pre Season, Supportive Alec Lightwood, gal pals, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-21 03:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10676544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tori_Scribbles/pseuds/clizzyx
Summary: At first, Isabelle didn’t really know what any of this meant, she didn’t know what it was like to have a friend who was a girl, so she put it down to just that; friendship..As Isabelle grew up she noticed girls, but she never really paid attention to those feelings. Until it got to a point where she couldn't ignore them anymore.





	Am I Allowed To Look At Her Like That? - Isabelle

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Francy's fic[ A Good Place](http://hufflebee.tumblr.com/post/159601611538/hufflebee-a-good-place-to-start-inspired-by) to start. Go check it and her tumblr out.  
> Also, a shout out to [Seaselkie](http://seaselkie.tumblr.com) for beta reading this for me. You can also find her Ao3 [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tattered_Dreams/pseuds/Tattered_Dreams)  
> Title comes from: She by Dodie, if you haven't heard it you should totally go and check it out.  
> This starts pre-season and finishes after 02x10, though the whole Rizzy disaster never happened, and Climon broke up already, other than that everything is pretty much the same.  
> Can I just say I'm sorry for the summary, I wrote it and these notes dosed up on morphine so... sorry if they're a little wonky.

Isabelle had never thought much about sexuality until she was fourteen, and that conversation with Alec, when he admitted his feelings for Jace, told her who he really was. Of course, it hadn’t changed how she felt for her brother, nothing could ever break that bond, but it had made her more curious. She'd taken one of the Institute’s tablets, hid away in the greenhouse where nobody could find her and after making sure the tablet was secure enough that nobody would ever be able to find out what she was looking up, she started her research.

That night she learnt different terminology, everything from the word gay to pansexual, what everything meant and the best and worst case scenarios of admitting those words aloud.

She stayed awake all night researching, which wasn’t an uncommon thing for Isabelle to do, then the next morning, before anyone else was awake, she carefully put the laptop back in place and snuck into Alec’s room. Not at all surprised to see that Alec was already getting ready for the day, despite the early hour.

“Isabelle?” Alec looked up from where he was digging through his sock drawer, his eyebrows furrowed in concern as he caught sight of her. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I just—” She stepped across the room, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“Izzy?” Alec asked, his hands hesitantly coming around her. “Izzy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said. “I just… I love you, Alec; no matter what.”

Alec smiled, pressing his lips against his sister’s forehead. “I love you too.”

.

After that she’d never really been able to push the thoughts away, maybe it was because she was getting older, and thinking about relationships more or maybe it was something else; something that had always been there.

Isabelle took after Jace more than she took after Alec. She was hot and she knew it, and knowing it made her powerful. She would use her body to her advantage, to flirt and manipulate information out of men.

The day she turned eighteen she did her modest bit with their parents during the day, but once they disappeared for some Clave related thing, Isabelle dragged Jace, and by default Alec, to the local Downworlder club, Pandemonium, which had, until they were all of age, been off limits. She’d split up from her brothers at the bar, dancing her way through the sea of people.

Hands slid up her arms from behind and she tensed, spinning round, ready to tell the guy where he could stick his hands, but she froze. Instead of some leery guy like she’d expected it was a girl, maybe a couple of years older than Izzy, dark curls framing her face, a pattern of freckles was splashed across her light brown skin, pink lips turned up into a seductive smirk.

Isabelle’s eyes drifted further down the stranger’s body, she wore a tight green lace, off the shoulder dress that showed a little cleavage and stopped several inches above her knees, in the sea of dark shoes and moving feet, the girls silver sandals stood out brightly as their straps wove around her toned calves.

Realising that she was practically staring down a stranger’s dress, her eyes shot back up. The girl leant forwards, her eyes sliding from Isabelle’s arms to her waist, her hair tickling the side of Isabelle’s face.

“This okay?” She yelled over the loud beat of the music.

Isabelle hesitated before nodding with a grin.  _It was_ _only_ _dancing_ _right?_

“What’s your name?” The brunette asked, and Isabelle found her eyes drifting to the girl’s lips as she spoke.

“Isabelle,” she replied, leaning closer to be heard, her eyes flicking back up to the stranger’s.

“Nice to meet you, Isabelle,” she said with a knowing smile.

The pair danced together through several songs before Isabelle caught sight of Alec at the bar, he didn’t seem to be paying her any attention, but was instead glaring at Jace flirting with the bartender, she thought she should probably go and save the both of them. Alec from boredom and a headache and Jace from getting slapped.

Isabelle caught the girl’s hand on her hip to catch her attention.

“I have to go, my brother is here,” she shouted, leaning into the girl’s space to be heard, gesturing vaguely to the bar.

She girl glanced in the direction of the bar, before looking back down at Isabelle and squeezing her hand, Izzy’s eyes flickered briefly back to her lips. “Alright,” the girl said, her lips drifting over Isabelle’s for the briefest of seconds, so quick that Isabelle wasn’t even sure that they touched before the other girl took a step backwards. “See you around, Isabelle,” she called with a coy wink, keeping her eyes on Isabelle as she was pulled back into the sea of people until she was finally out of sight.

Isabelle stood there for a second, raising a hand to her face, brushing her finger across her lips for a second completely dazed as she thought about the mystery girl, she realised that she hadn’t even gotten her name. A dancing couple stumbled into her, knocking her back to reality. She brushed away their apologies, pushing her way through the crowd towards her brothers.

“My feet hurt," she yelled to them. “I think it’s time to go home.”

Jace gave her a weird look: Isabelle was never the one to call it a night, but nevertheless, he shrugged, looking to Alec who nodded, looking happy to finally be leaving.

As they headed up towards the exit Jace slung his arm around her shoulders.

“Happy Birthday, Iz!” he said, pressing a quick kiss to her temple. She grinned up at him in thanks. Her mind drifting back to the mystery girl and the smell of her perfume, the softness of her skin.

_Yeah, Happy Birthday._

_._

When they got back to the Institute they snuck in through the back, getting up to the corridor where the sibling’s rooms were undetected. Jace bid them goodnight, disappearing into his room for the night.

But Alec hesitated in the hallway for a minute, he caught his sister’s hand as she reached for her bedroom door, looking up at him questioningly.

Her eyebrows furrowed in concern when he didn’t say anything for a minute, just looked down at her with a soft expression and held her hand.

“Alec?” she prompted softly.

Alec seemed to snap out of it, tugging her into his arms, he pressed his lips against her forehead softly. “I just want you to know,” he said. “That I love you, Iz; no matter what.”

Deja vu washed over Isabelle, and she froze briefly before his words sunk in and she clutched her brother tighter. They stood like that for several minutes, neither of them saying a word but a wave of silent understanding settled around them.

.

After her eighteenth birthday, Isabelle found herself noticing girls more and more. She would still flirt with guys, she was still attracted to them and when Meliorn came along and despite their just physical with a hint of information relationship, she was quite happy to be with him.

But she couldn’t deny that she often found her eyes wandering to girls. Her eyes lingering on their lips for just a moment too long as they spoke. Scanning their bodies. Admiring their looks.

At first, Isabelle tried to convince herself there was nothing to it, that she just liked their shade of lipstick, she was jealous of their figure, she wanted their dress or she wished her hair was like theirs, and for a while, she was content in convincing herself that that was it. Nothing more.

Until Clary came along.

When Clary came along the Shadow World near imploded, with her and Jace’s brief… whatever it was, the Mundane turned vampire and his relationship with the New York Clan and more prominently with Raphael. The way that the hunt for Clary’s memories lead them to Magnus, more specifically, it lead Alec to Magnus, completely upending everything Alec had. Which intern bought them Lydia, who Isabelle often found herself admiring in more ways than one.

But Clary. It was Clary who mattered. It was Clary who as always, was in the middle of everything. Isabelle found herself drawn to the fiery redhead right from day one. A new beautiful, mystery girl in Isabelle’s life, who Isabelle found herself spending most of her time with. She leant her clothes and jewellery, toiletries and weaponry.

It became somewhat of a habit of theirs to find the other when they needed comfort, and they would support each other with soft looks and lingering touches, that left a warmth that resonated for long after the contact was broken.

Isabelle found herself seeking Clary’s company more and more, not only for comfort but just because it was _her_ , and with Clary came a warmth that nobody else had. She found herself lending the redhead more of her clothes, not because she wore them better, like she’d originally told herself, but because she liked seeing Clary in her clothes.

Despite living in the same corridor, they found themselves in each other’s rooms more nights than was necessary. It started out with Isabelle teaching Clary about the Shadow world, teaching her about different species of the uses of runes and they would fall asleep on Izzy’s bed studying and wake up the next morning together.

Then Clary would want help choosing an outfit for when she tagged along to the meetings with Downworld representatives or other Clave members. Isabelle would lay on Clary’s bed, making the redhead try on twenty different outfits before choosing the second one, and Clary would roll her eyes in exasperation before dropping down on the bed next to Isabelle, close enough for their hands to brush up against each other but never really touching. They would lay like that, both waiting for something, and when nothing came, they ended up asleep.

Some nights they’d have an official slumber party, do cliché things like braiding each other’s hair and painting their nails while watching a movie that neither of them really paid attention to. They’d go on to talking about ex’s, Isabelle told her about her past relationship with Meliorn, and in return, Clary had told her about her first girlfriend. They would always end up snuggled together in one of their beds, Isabelle choosing to watch something that she doesn’t fully understand, just so she could get Clary to explain all of the Mundane concepts to her. She would hang on every word, her eyes fixed on Clary’s soft looking lips.

When in briefings they would stand close enough that their shoulders would brush together, when Clary would whisper a query about something, her warm breath would tickle Isabelle’s ear, making the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.

At first, Isabelle didn’t really know what any of this meant, she didn’t know what it was like to have a friend who was a girl, so she put it down to just that; friendship.

Until she laid in bed one night, the day after one of their slumber parties and the scent of Clary’s shampoo clung to Isabelle’s pillow, she found herself turning her face into the pillow, breathing in the smell of strawberries as she let her mind drift.

She thought of the way Clary scrunched up her nose when she smiled, the way she threw her head back when she laughed, the way her hair spun around her in a fight, the way her hands lingered on Isabelle’s and the way it made her heart flutter like… like it was now.

Isabelle’s eyes shot open and she stared at the wall as her mind ran too fast to comprehend.

She liked Clary. She knew she liked Clary.

But could she _like_ Clary?

Her mind went back to the mystery girl on her eighteenth birthday, the way their lips brushed and it set butterflies off in her stomach.

She remembered how butterflies flew her first time with Meliorn.

How neither of those moments compared to what she felt when she was with Clary.

She forced her mind to stop, and took several deep breaths, calming herself down so she could think about this logically. She remembered all of those web pages she’d read when she was fourteen and Alec told her that he was in love with Jace. How she’d learnt that sexuality could be fluid. Nothing said that you had to just like boys or girls. Sometimes people liked both, or those who were neither, or sometimes people just didn’t like anyone like that, and that was okay too.

She remembered something on those websites how it was best to talk to somebody about it, and she remembered Alec’s words on her birthday, and her words to him all those years ago. She remembered how so many times she just wished that her brother would confide in her rather than suffer in silence all of the time. She should just talk to him.

Just like that her decision was made, she scrambled out of bed, pulling on a pair of ripped black jeans and the first shirt she could find, she fumbled to lace up her boots. She gave herself a quick once-over in the mirror, deciding that she looked decent enough to be in public she headed for her door.

She went straight across to Alec’s room, not bothering to knock, she let herself inside, faltering slightly in the doorway at the empty room, the bed made and unslept in.

_He was at Magnus’._

This could wait. She told herself, she would have breakfast, go about her day and wait until he came home and then she would speak to him.

She nodded to herself, stepping out of her brother’s room. She headed through the Institute and into the kitchen, freezing in the doorway at the sight of Clary pouring herself a cup of coffee. She was bickering with Jace about something or other, Clary looked up and caught her eye, their conversation halted as the Clary grinned brightly at her.

“Izzy, settle this for us? If you had to choose between being a werewolf or a vampire, what would you choose?” she asked.

Isabelle froze under her gaze, her heart fluttering in her chest as she recalled her earlier train of thought.

“Uh…” she said smartly.

Jace looked up from where he was buttering toast, his eyes narrowing at his sister curiously.

“Izzy? Is everything okay?” he asked. Isabelle’s gaze snapped away from Clary to look at her brother. “Did you actually sleep last night?”

“What? Oh, yeah, no, I just remembered I promised Lydia I would spar with her this morning. I totally forgot. I should probably go and find her,” she lied, backing out of the room abruptly. The second she was out of sight she rushed, through the Institute hardly noticing as she knocked into someone. She headed straight out of the front doors, down the steps and towards the subway.

She moved on autopilot through the city, not stopping or really paying attention to anything until she came to a stop outside Magnus’ building, reaching out to press the buzzer before she could talk herself out of it.

 _“High Warlock Magnus Bane, it’s six_ _am_ _so this better be important,”_ Magnus’ voice came through the crackly intercom and Isabelle faltered slightly, she hadn’t realised what time it even was.  _“Hello?”_

“Magnus,” she said, trying to swallow her anxiety away. “It’s Isabelle, is Alec there?”

_There was an unusual pause as Magnus faltered._ _“He’s making breakfast, come on up.”_

The security door buzzed and Isabelle pulled it open, taking the lift up to the top floor. She hesitated outside of Magnus’ front door before finally getting herself to knock, wrapping her arms around herself to try and settle the nauseous feeling in her stomach.

 Not two seconds later Magnus pulled it open with slightly less of his usual flare.

“Isabelle, I know you are my second favourite Lightwood, but still this best be important if—” Magnus’ eyes came to rest on her and he broke off with a frown. “Come in.” He beckoned her forward. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head, letting him lead her into the apartment, straight through to the kitchen where Alec was making pancakes. He looked round as they came in and his face fell at the sight of his sister.

“Iz?” He dropped the pan onto a different ring, turning the oven off, he was in front of her in three strides. “What’s wrong?” he asked, brushing his thumb over the bags under her eyes.

Isabelle shook her head, throwing her arms around Alec’s waist, she buried her face in his chest. Alec looked down at her in surprise for a second before winding his arms around her, he held her tightly for several minutes before pulling away, keeping his hands on her shoulders as he looked down at her with a serious expression.

“Isabelle, talk to me, what’s happened?”

Isabelle opened and closed her mouth several times trying to find the right words before settling on just one, “Clary.”

Alec’s frown deepened, his eyes flickering to Magnus who looked just as confused.

“What’s happened now?” he asked. There hadn’t been a Clary related incident in weeks.

“Nothing, she’s fine, It’s – I just –” Isabelle gave an aggravated huff. “I like her!” She blurted out.

Alec’s frown faded into a look of understanding before pulling his sister back into his arms.

“Oh, Izzy,” he sighed, not sadly, just with a soft understanding, there was a hint of pride in his expression with a mix of something else that Isabelle couldn’t read. “C’mon,” he murmured, guiding her towards the couches in the living room, sitting her down between himself and Magnus.

“Tell us about it,” Magnus prompted softly, resting his hand on her arm.

“On my eighteenth birthday, we went to Pandemonium. There was this girl that I danced with… I remember she was so pretty and her lips were soft and she – she was beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I like men, being with them but… after that I know I noticed girls more, I tried to convince myself that it was just platonic, that I liked their lipstick or something… and then Clary came along, we were so caught up in her family drama that I didn’t have time to stop and think about how I felt. We were too busy trying find Valentine and when we did have time to ourselves I thought we were just good friends. I’ve never really had a friend that was a girl before her so I didn’t really know the difference until I stopped to think about it. And then…” she trailed off.

“And then you couldn’t stop thinking about it,” Magnus supplied softly, Isabelle nodded slightly, brushing a tear away in annoyance.

“I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of but with Mom being… well, Mom and I don’t care what she says to me or about me.” She looked up at Alec, every last shred of her strong façade crumbled. “But I don’t want her to twist it around and use it as another reason too – to put more mierda on you and I can’t let her do that.”

Alec took Isabelle’s hand, thinking over his words for a moment before he spoke. “Izzy, for years you told me that I should be true to myself. That it was okay. When I agreed to marry Lydia you were the only one who didn’t give up, because you knew that pushing away my feelings to protect my family would hurt more than anything anyone could possibly say about me.” He brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You were right.” He glanced briefly at Magnus with a soft smile. “If you hadn’t said those things to me then, I would have married Lydia and I wouldn’t have been happy. You gave me my happiness, Izzy. I’m not going to stand in the way of yours. If being with Clary is what makes you happy then I nor Mom will stand in your way.”

“But she—”

“Will not stand in your way,” Alec repeated firmly. “I promise you.”

“Clary had  _a thing_ with Jace, and Simon…” Isabelle said regretfully. “I don’t think she would even be interested.”

Magnus chuckled, getting two identical looks of confusion. “Oh, our dear little Clarissa is interested,” Magnus said, Isabelle raised an eyebrow questioningly. “She’s very open with her sexuality. Clary was fifteen, Jocelyn brought her to me just before her birthday like she always did too… take her memories, it took an extra half an hour just because she insisted on telling me all about her new girlfriend.”

“Why would she tell you?” Alec asked curiously. “I didn’t think she knew you?”

Magnus smiled, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “When Jocelyn would bring her to me each year, the spell would be weakened, practically non-existent. She would remember me, she would remember that she had known me all her life and I think—” His smile brightened slightly. “—I think that I was the only lgbt person she knew at the time. Jocelyn was accepting, but she didn’t quite understand. After that she would tell me about her various crushes, I know Biscuits type, and let me assure you Isabelle, you have nothing to worry about.”

Isabelle sagged back against the couch cushions, biting her lip to try and hide her grin, she rolled her eyes at Magnus and Alec’s laughter. “Oh, cállate!” Her smile slid off her face and she looked up at Magnus curiously. “What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?”

“It depends on who you ask,” Magnus said with a slight shrug. “Bisexual _technically_ means two genders, whereas _Pan_ sexual means all. Some people, like me, use bisexual as an umbrella term but are still what you might call gender blind. We date for attraction and love no matter what someone’s gender identity is or I guess in our world, species. Some people think they mean the same thing. But they’re just words, and they’re irrelevant. There’s no hurry. Some people don’t use a word to define their sexuality, they just are. You don’t need labels to be happy.”

“So people don’t, but I do,” Isabelle insisted. “I’m a scientist. I look for logic and answers and things I can name and explain. I _like_ labels.”

“Of course you do,” Alec said, with a fond roll of his eyes.

Isabelle hummed thoughtfully fiddling with the hem of her shirt. “I think it fits,” she said with a soft smile.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“Pansexual,” she told them, trying out the word carefully. “I like people, not gender and it… it seems fitting,” she finished softly, a faint smile on her lips.

“I’m happy for you,” Alec said, reaching out to squeeze her hand slightly. Isabelle looked up to see the pride on his face and they smiled softly at each other.

“Well,” Magnus said, dropping his hands onto his legs in a rather dramatic gesture. “Now that the early morning identity crisis is over, who wants pancakes?”

Isabelle dropped her head to hide her blush and laughed, suddenly seeming to realise that she had just dropped in on their morning unannounced and had a complete breakdown.

“Yeah.” She scratched the back of her neck sheepishly. “Sorry about that,” she said.

Magnus’ teasing expression became more serious for a beat, resting his hand on her arm. “You don’t apologise for this, Isabelle. Not to anyone, not ever,” he said seriously.

Her lips twitched fractionally. She forced herself to take a deep breath as everything seemed to swell up inside of her at once, all of the emotions that she’d pushed away for however long hit her at once. As she exhaled, she let them all fade away.

She was okay. _It_ was okay. Whether Clary felt the same way or not, it didn’t matter. Because she knew who she was, and nothing could change that.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Translations:** _(please correct me if these are wrong. I'm not fluent in Spanish I just know little bits)_  
>  Mierda - Shit/Crap/Bullshit - Spanish  
> Cállate - Shut up/keep quiet - Spanish  
> I just want to say that I am not an expert when it comes to sexuality and I don't fully understand the difference between bi and pan anymore. I used to identify as pan before I realised I was just downright gay, so if I have got that really wrong, please let me know.  
> And yes, this is part of a series...  
>  **Find me on[tumblr?](http://clizzyx.tumblr.com/)**


End file.
